Deep in Purgatory

I sit here. In this dirty hotel room. I watch Godzilla and laugh at man's imagination. Hollywood is magical. But no matter how much magic they put on the screen in front of you, it will not help you understand why you are where you are. This I contemplate heavily while I glance at my daughter and girlfriend. One day I hope everything will be much better for my new family. Right now the stress is killing me. The killer instinct is on. I feel cornered. I feel like I could lash out. Things are uncertain for me just as they are for so many others during this world wide virus crisis. So many questions linger above my head. So many questions that no one can answer except me. I must create the answer to the question of my fate. The future must unfold a doing of my own making. I must seize my opportunity to bend reality. I fear I cannot do it. I hesitate, and I fail. My focus fades every time I set it. My discipline waivers under intense pressure. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of one day dominating my situation and having some sort of earthly stability. My focus for the past few years has left me with nothing except knowledge of unknowable things; not very helpful when it comes to real world application.

There is always the possibility that my perception is lacking. Since I hold on to morals so hard I feel as if losing them will help me gain worldly success. I question my identity concerning my beliefs and find they bring comfort, but not much clarity. Human nature has no clear explanation. It just is, and accepting that is my key to enlightenment. Survival is the number one ruler, but death can be your best friend nonetheless. Learn her ways and fear will fall away. Once you are comfortable thinking about such things, your physical condition becomes more bearable. It's kill or be killed. So if you have the strength there should be no hesitation in performing the former.

Be impenetrable. The mind is man's one and only tool. Master it, I tell myself. Yet many meditations do not bring me my material desires. Where is this great geni the meek and mild seek so fervently? I realize the only solution to my distress is to commit the one act that universal morals deem unacceptable. While on this same train of thought, I also realize that many people in positions of power got there through some unsavory acts. The world is not perfect, but it is cut throat. Be cunning, I tell myself. Deal in deceits and evade defeat. Wise is the man who saves his own ass; a useful reminder.

Ironically, most cultures recognize that a loss in humanity is apart of our evolution. Or maybe we should look at it in a different light. To be morally superior one must not let morals chain him to this path or that one. So then what becomes his aim except the well being of his own psyche. A very complex situation indeed when one man's happiness can cause another man's demise. But if we look closely death evens the playing field. If one can find comfort in knowing everyone will suffer for doing bad then all is well with everyone. Truth be told, the weak have no other option. Anywho, the weak begin to understand that they can inflict damage upon their oppressors by speaking of their oppression by the laws of nature. A low blow if you ask me, and an act of cowardice. Take silence and embrace the moment. Only cry if you must. Be still, and know that I Am God.

Feel nothing. No pain, nor compassion. No greed, nor sorrow. Allow the balance of God's cruel kingdom take place in your heart and in the mind of your victim. You are their decider and salvation. An act of illusion as I have explained before. But there is something about defending yourself that is amazingly balanced in life or death situations. However, there is a whole nother being in our world. One especially designed to destroy. A creature of wrath and glory. This creature leaves no hope for his prey, and I have no solution for the wolf in sheep's clothing except don't be a sheep. Be a lion, I tell myself. A perfected apex predator.